My son broke my heart last week....
I totally blame myself but then I like to think I’m only human. Lock down has given me so many unexpected things, some of which are positive and obviously some that are negative.
When I think back to ‘that day’ at school last March - (when the other mums and I could kind of see what was coming but still weren’t able to fully process the enormity of what was brewing) I find myself holding my breath, like when you re-watch a scary movie, you know the ending but the feeling of dread still lingers.
I remember another mum who usually seems so light and bubbly not being able to hide her emotions (nor should she have to), the look on her face when we finally collected the children from school with the knowledge that this, this "lock down", was actually going to happen...Lock down? LOCK ........DOWN, what is this? A sci-fi thriller gone wrong? This can’t happen to us, it's not 1918 spanish influenza stylee? We’re not Will Smith in Post Apocalyptic New York, are we? Are we?
Fast forward to March 2021 (I actually had to check the calendar just to know the month) and what was originally meant to be 3 weeks or something like that, is now our lives, it's our actual lives? We have actually been walking around these ‘same four walls’ like post apocalyptic zombies (without the joy of meeting Will Smith….swoon, if only, hi Will if you're reading this *snorts with laughter).
For some the stress and strain has been evident throughout but for me the effects are only just starting to show, and more importantly my children are really feeling it now. At the start I was all semi detached middle classington “gosh we’re sooooo lucky to have a garden blah blah , oh the joy #staycation…..enjoying the family time blah blah”….
Second lockdown - cue the sodding UK winter freeze and climate change orientated flooding #incarceration #bangedup…. oh dear.... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Enter Mary Steenburgen: Nancy Huff from Step Brothers, google it if you're not sure...because that scene on the front lawn is me second lock down in dealing with life.....and not very well for that matter. P.s, I can't fake smile, so when asked "how are you?" I look like I'm preparing for the dental hygienist, open wide please.
My daughter burst into tears the other day and said she had no idea why she was crying and I said “darling, because of EVERYTHING” I just held her and told her to cry as much as she needed. My son almost broke me the other week when he asked me if I still loved him???? DO I STILL LOVE HIM????? Holy crap, his father and I have been so stressed out that I fear our patience is beyond stretched and our reactions somewhat explosive. We’ve been so busy trying to hold it all together that I think we took our eye off the ball with our little man, our happy bat shit crazy little man. Heart broken is an understatement, my heart shattered into a million pieces, we had a very deep convo about exactly how much I love him and the amount of of body parts I'd be prepared to lose to prove it....."I'd give my right leg to save you Seb......" "what about your left?" FFs
What I’m trying to say is that nothing has been quite as ‘it should’, this is the weirdest shit we’ll hopefully ever have to go through. I have learnt so much about myself and I’m desperate to help others to feel happy and grab every last little bit of joy that they possibly can out of life, to know that the small things really do matter and that life is so very fleeting.
I have also learnt that I cannot control everything in my life (it's quite liberating, control freak much?), that it's ok to be a 100%, geeky anxiety ridden warts n all mess of a woman.
My body has always been a big battle for me, weight gain, eating disorders, extreme IBS, extreme bloating, over exercising/under exercising, mental health roller coaster HQ.
However my one 'almost' constant thing throughout lock down has been the way that I eat, as of around 6 years I "found" keto (all hail the keto gods).
Yes I fell off the wagon at the start of lock down 1 but as soon as I realised how bad shit was getting I hopped back on the keto train (choo choo bitches) and remembered that food is love, food is medicine. Yes my bloating and cramps are back a bit at the moment, but if I didn’t have keto I can guarantee they would be ten fold by now.
No keto’s no match for a global pandemic but it sure as hell kept me from slipping too far over to the dark side (Luke?).
Even though I will inevitably walk my children through the school gates with trepidation on Monday 8th (don't screw this up Borris you blonde bumbler), I shall also feel complete joy in the knowledge that they will be with those angels that are their teachers and that equilibrium will be restored. I, like many others, have a new found admiration for 'them there' educators of the youth, I always knew their job was tough but buggering hell I wasn't even close....not by a long shot.
Then once they're through the gates I'll get the local fumigators in to deal with 12 months worth of no house work, lock down with kids and housework is like a second pregnancy, you never realised how good you had it first time round.
What has been your saving grace during lock down?